Thankful You'll Never Know
by GentleHero
Summary: Given a chance I'd start over in a heartbeat. If only I had been told what he would become, but by the time I saw the truth it was too late. I did the only thing left for me to do. I sat back and watched, and in the end I too, died.


_The silence was deafening, it was as if saying anything at all would be asking for death. While I just sat and watched._

I think that nothing was the biggest mistake I ever made. At the time I didn't realize it, I didn't believe he was really as black as they painted him. Was it possible to be that naive? I never thought that Tom would kill an innocent person, shows what I knew. In those few seconds before Tom murdered Adam I remember him looking me in the eyes as though saying 'this is on your head, all your fault' I can't believe I did not do anything to stop him, I cannot believe I just sat there on the cold stone throne. I was foolish then, I really as. How could I have honestly thought he could have loved me? I mean how could he have forgiven me for that kind of betrayal. I never imagined he would kill my friends; I'd heard his threats but never once thought they were true.

Now sitting in heaven and watching what remains of my friends and family down on earth, I see everyone has made some similar mistakes. Sometimes while I am watching, I wonder about my choices. What if I hadn't fought in the war, perhaps if I'd stayed neutral I wouldn't be dead. No, that wouldn't have worked. I played an important role in the ending of it all. What if I had never loved anyone? Would I have been one of the targets that fateful Halloween night? What if I had chosen to just let him kill my son? Simply stepped aside and watching Harry die? He gave me that choice, if I had done as he asked…would he have taken me back? Even then, I'm not sure it would have mattered, in his world not even his wife could be equal. If I'd been his wife…as he once said I would be.

I imagine what it would have been like anyway…everyone would know me; he would be the ruler of the world. I'd just be Queen. That must sound so strange, the way I sound unhappy with that fate. If that had happened, if I had stayed by his side forever, I'd never have met James, or fallen in love not for real. I wouldn't have had a wonderful child. The only good that could have come with staying with Tom is that I would still be alive. No, it's not worth it, Heaven isn't so bad, I just miss living, that is perfectly reasonable…isn't it?

It was so hard watching Harry grow, knowing I taught him nothing. I did not help him with his summer homework, others did that for me, they have all gotten to see him grow older. And what have I done for him other than give him life? Nothing. I have done nothing for my baby boy. I tried to help, I've sent him clues and prayed he'd survive, hoping someday he'll finally kill that bastard…no, not a bastard…just a man…

I know I made so many mistakes in my life but those mistakes were what made me the woman I was. There is one thought I cannot shake from my mind. My murdered friends last thoughts were of me, I know they were. I am sure they wondered why I just sat there and watched. Some friend I was, that is the only choice I wish I could remake. The choice to sit and watch or to stand up to my Tom and tell him 'No, no more killing, no more'.

I know very well that it isn't possible to go back in time and to change everything that has happened. No matter how horrible the events were, I know I should not want there to be a way to fix this all…but it doesn't ease the ache I feel every moment, the ache for life, for change, for one more chance. I only hope that my son won't be like me, maybe he will not have to sit by and watch his friends murdered. No, I know he is not as stupid or as naive as I am. I am in heaven, and still my soul is tortured. I watch as my son and my first love battle against each other, and I cannot say whom I truly wish to win, because I love them both. One will win and the other will die, and either way I will not be happy. Half of my mind says it should be Tom for he is older, powerful and more knowledgeable. But then I know it is wrong to wish my child to die. I do not wish Harry death; I only wish…rebirth, change, a real true happy life. The kind of life he deserves the kind I should have given him.

I see the girl, the pretty one with red hair…and I know, she will make things right for him, for both of them. She can change what I have done, and give him the life I could not, the life I took away. Forgive me Harry, forgive me and forget me. I did more harm than you could ever know, for the secrets kept from you are kept silent by the halls you walk, the faces you see. They know and you do not. Your mother was not the hero you have been told. She was at one time Tom Marvolo Riddles lover, his fiancée and his only ounce of goodness. But that you'll never know. To you Lily Potter gave you life in more ways than one, she was a hero, a good woman. I am glad to know you'll never be told the truth about who I was, what I was, and why your father and I really died…


End file.
